Honoring the Grief of Initiating into Motherhood • Nicole Doherty Ananda

Dear Universe,

Today I’d like to send my full gratitude to You for the Initiation of Motherhood that’s awakened me to the deepest Love I’ve ever known. In accepting this invitation to become a Mother, I wish to acknowledge my grief so I can let go of my single Self.

In my culture, we override grief, yet I know in other cultures its honored and accepted as a transformational and evolutionary phase in personal growth.

I know it’s important for my own healing to do this today with transparency. I feel as a culture we keep Motherhood’s challenges in the closet. I believe it leads to so much suppression, depression and anxiety. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns (and at the same time it is, LOL!).

Conscious parenting to me is a deep evolution of the soul. It’s been extremely challenging as I heal my lineage. It is so hard having a mirror to my inner work 24/7. I know this was for my biggest evolutionary leap, at this most critical time in human history.

Thank you for this opportunity Great Spirit! I also say thank you to a great supporter of motherhood, Amirah, who’s offered this process as a tool for mothers to share.

Today, I grieve:

My independence and autonomy.
The freedom to go wherever I want to go whenever I want to.
Hopping on a plane in a moment’s notice.
Driving away, even when I was avoiding.
My non-committal nature that could ride the waves of impulse and spontaneity (and wish I did even more than I did when I could.)
All the late night experiences that wove me into interesting places, deep conversations and friendships.
That my son doesn’t have family and grandparents around to take care of him.
That I’m single without a committed sexual, loving relationship.
What I thought motherhood would be – complete bliss all the time. 😉
Not feeling guilty about things that I’m doing sometimes.
Not having to watch every word, thought and action (because no one was copying me).
Being accepted by society.
The sacred pauses in my days.
The space in my schedule after yoga class to grab a tea, converse with friends or go into a long meditation.
The long hikes.
The retreats that brought me into jungles, up on mountain tops, backpacking through anonymous cities and into ones that are so packed you can barely move.
The silence.
The life that helped me to be of service in a big way because I had the time to deeply connect, travel and not worry so much about anyone else but who was in front of me.
That it was just me.
Being open to the opportunities to dance with reckless abandon until the wee hours of the morning.
Connecting and feeling free to roam.
A clean, scratch-free, fingerprint-free house.
Spending money on shopping on a whim and knowing there was more for me.
The nurturing and love I was feeling for myself and how connected I was to my body.
My peace and calm.
The long showers, deep plunges, and beach walks along the ocean.
The quick errand.
Making my own decisions and choices for just me.
My body.
My energy.
My rock solid sleep.

As I acknowledge these things Universe, I am in a place today in my life with awareness that many of these old parts of me have given birth to equally amazing opportunities and other parts of me! Thank You!

I realize how extremely blessed and lucky I am to have these seemingly simple grievances in comparison to what others may grieve.

I see many of these as old stories are now healing or have been completely transformed and healed.

I experience too that many of these are still transitioning or are better left behind.

I feel that after 4 years (I believe that’s the true postpartum), I am coming back into myself.

I am re-committed to this Sovereign being that I love and prioritize.

I am humbly of service.

I am re-integrating into Wholeness + Deeper Love + Service.

Please friends and community, feel free to let me know what you are grieving and how I may be of support.

All love,

Nicole