Nicole Gallery (12)

Revealing My Pain, Grief & Anger

I had a revelation today!

Throughout our lives we have a series of revelations that bring us more in alignment with our Soul. Over the course of the last 24 hours, I realized a few things through witnessing others’ magnetic love, participating in deep sacred healing ceremonies, crystal bathing under the Leo full moon, crying in meditation, taking walks in the perfection of Nature, playing with my delicious baby, and listening to empowering teachers/mentors. I’ve realized all these activities are practices that guide me toward my Soul’s evolution and in totality are massaging my life to become more in step with God.

What I’m in the process of revealing is the depth of my grief, sadness, anger and pain. At some level my human experience is telling me I’m trapped, and my story is that I don’t have the ability, knowledge, creativity or the intellect to expand beyond the ceiling that is above me and the boundaries I’ve created around myself. I feel like I’m going through a spiritual washing machine that’s set on ‘heavy load’.

What I’ve realized is that my deepest process of self-discovery over the last 6 years, plus becoming a parent, has led me here – to the deeply wounded inner child. And the patterns of my lineage and my past keeps replaying like a broken record.

I’ve been working on my father stuff for the last 6 years, but I hadn’t scratched the surface of the mother or the challenges of her lineage of the ‘war on the masculine’. And I thank God for the messenger of Donald Trump to show us the raging war that has been waged and how it resides within the individual and manifests in the collective.

Michael Beckwidth’s theme this month for Agape is, “My Context is My Perception”.  I’ve been working with my amazing intuitive healer, James Stellar who always is teaching me how to be a “beginner in life” and to not “declare war” because then we live in it!

What I’ve realized is that I’m in a raging war within my own being, that struggles to find peace amongst her past traumas and that I’ve not fully reconciled the parts of me that feel doubt, guilt, shame, aggravation, unloved and or not good enough.

I know that nobody can make me feel this way, yet I continually blame and shame the people around me that trigger these emotions within me and justify it at every turn. I build up a case that propels the ugly story and now I’m living within it.

I find myself at a new plateau.

I listened today to the phrase, “My Context is my Perception”, and something clicked.  It’s something that I teach all the time in my yoga classes. I also teach how to flip the negative thoughts into positive ones through some concepts of the Yoga Sutras. I think I’ve been so busy helping others, I have left my little child behind.

I offered an incredible life coaching workshop to the 300-Hour YogaWorks Teacher Trainees last week and as I read and taught and saw so many “a-ha” moments, I recognized I hadn’t taken my own medicine or my own programs in some time. As a mom, I’ve completely let myself go!  Thankfully, it sent me home to do some of my own inner work.

Being a parent is a self-less act and also leaves little time for Self. Yet, that’s not the only paradigm. That’s a perception too.

So today, I need to not leap ahead of myself.  I need to stop and smell the roses like I do when I’m on a walk with my child. I need to slow down and have patience. I need to allow myself to be in the cocoon of motherhood which brings us so many valuable lessons.  I need to not speed ahead to catch up in some imaginary race toward a measured success that is outlined by who exactly?

James Stellar offered in his newsletter to go on a “Complaining Fast” and to detox the negativity and the limits that we place on ourselves.  Michael Beckwith offers to “create a context in which God is always working through you”.

Use me, God.  I am tired of my negative thoughts running amuck in my head, and I’ve created sickness and fragility in my body. I want to see the “expanding awareness and link up to the Eternal broadcast“, as Michael says.

I’m no longer taking any stance that I’m a victim of my circumstances. I’m really ready to give up that story.

As Michael says, “inspiration is a thought from God as is kindness and generosity.”

I am ready to step it up to the next level,  to feel at One with God. To be in love with myself and all my “perceived” flaws.

I’ve been storing the pain of others for a long time and adding it to my own. And when I feel all these emotions I understand now that they are the substrata of the previously held perceptions that I’ve not released.  I need to clear these old emotions so that I don’t have such strong reactions against anyone or anything.

It’s time for all of us to take ownership and responsibility for ourselves and to understand that no one makes you feel any way.  They offer an experience or an event and then you have the responsibility to respond. If you respond with kindness, the outcome can be positive. If you respond with negativity, you will likely get the same. I taught this last week in my workshop!;)

As Michael Beckwith says, “we can’t place emotional pain on others. Anxiousness is here because of my perception. Fear is here because of my perception.” He also said, “Blaming those emotions on others is not a solution to your problems  – it emanates from a perception of yourself.”


Today, I choose to wake up to the best of my ability and how I will serve.

Today, I choose to not live in the lower frequencies of my mind.

Today, I will re-commit to my spiritual practices that keep me grounded in this knowing.

“Today I am not a victim, but a victor!” (Michael Beckwith)

Today, I release these negative emotions and rise up beyond them.

Today, I fill my body with the Voice and Love of God.

Today, I fill my body with the Voice and Love of God.

Today, I fill my body with the Voice and Love of God.

Amen, So Be It, A’ho!


I can’t wait to share this work with you…