Honoring the Grief of Initiating into Motherhood

Dear Universe,

Today I’d like to send my full gratitude to You for the Initiation of Motherhood that’s awakened me to the deepest Love I’ve ever known. In accepting this invitation to become a Mother, I wish to acknowledge my grief so I can let go of my single Self.

In my culture, we override grief, yet I know in other cultures its honored and accepted as a transformational and evolutionary phase in personal growth.

I know it’s important for my own healing to do this today with transparency.  I feel as a culture we keep Motherhood’s challenges in the closet. I believe it leads to so much suppression, depression and anxiety. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns (and at the same time it is, LOL!).

Conscious parenting to me is a deep evolution of the soul. It’s been extremely challenging as I heal my lineage. It is so hard having a mirror to my inner work 24/7.  I know this was for my biggest evolutionary leap, at this most critical time in human history.

Thank you for this opportunity Great Spirit! I also say thank you to a great supporter of motherhood, Amirah, who’s offered this process as a tool for mothers to share.

Today, I grieve:

  • My independence and autonomy.
  • The freedom to go wherever I want to go whenever I want to.
  • Hopping on a plane in a moment’s notice.
  • Driving away, even when I was avoiding.
  • My non-committal nature that could ride the waves of impulse and spontaneity (and wish I did even more than I did when I could.)
  • All the late night experiences that wove me into interesting places, deep conversations and friendships.
  • That my son doesn’t have family and grandparents around to take care of him.
  • That I’m single without a committed sexual, loving relationship.
  • What I thought motherhood would be – complete bliss all the time. 😉
  • Not feeling guilty about things that I’m doing sometimes.
  • Not having to watch every word, thought and action (because no one was copying me).
  • Being accepted by society.
  • The sacred pauses in my days.
  • The space in my schedule after yoga class to grab a tea, converse with friends or go into a long meditation.
  • The long hikes.
  • The retreats that brought me into jungles, up on mountain tops, backpacking through anonymous cities and into ones that are so packed you can barely move.
  • The silence.
  • The life that helped me to be of service in a big way because I had the time to deeply connect, travel and not worry so much about anyone else but who was in front of me.
  • That it was just me.
  • Being open to the opportunities to dance with reckless abandon until the wee hours of the morning.
  • Connecting and feeling free to roam.
  • A clean, scratch-free, fingerprint-free house.
  • Spending money on shopping on a whim and knowing there was more for me.
  • The nurturing and love I was feeling for myself and how connected I was to my body.
  • My peace and calm.
  • The long showers, deep plunges, and beach walks along the ocean.
  • The quick errand.
  • Making my own decisions and choices for just me.
  • My body.
  • My energy.
  • My rock solid sleep.

As I acknowledge these things Universe, I am in a place today in my life with awareness that many of these old parts of me have given birth to equally amazing opportunities and other parts of me! Thank You!

I realize how extremely blessed and lucky I am to have these seemingly simple grievances in comparison to what others may grieve.

I see many of these as old stories are now healing or have been completely transformed and healed.

I experience too that many of these are still transitioning or are better left behind.

I feel that after 4 years (I believe that’s the true postpartum), I am coming back into myself.

I am re-committed to this Sovereign being that I love and prioritize.

I am humbly of service.

I am re-integrating into Wholeness + Deeper Love + Service.

Please friends and community, feel free to let me know what you are grieving and how I may be of support.

All love,




Sex, Pleasure, Love – The Divine Feminine

I’m ecstatic about The Pleasure Path Program that I committed to with Violet Lange. So much resistance and uneasiness came up for me around committing my fiances and what I deserved for myself, hence knowing full well that this was exactly what I needed. Our first week focuses on Self-Love. I am out of practice!

Post-partum is defined as a short time frame after you give birth, but in all honesty from what I’ve seen with most women I know, its about two full years of adjustment time for the body, hormones and integration of the experience. I’m now ready to re-commit to myself and my I am undergoing a deep healing process.

What I am discovering around this process of working on the sexual center, womb space and stepping into my Divine Feminine is that I need to re-connect with the concept of pleasure, surrender, receptivity, desire, softening, gentleness, and kindness – the of the qualities that describe the Divine Feminine.

As a mom, I’ve been moving mostly from my masculine to provide stability, finances, structure and boundaries for Yeshua. These are all good and heralded parts of me, yet I’ve lost the fun, flirtatious, and feminine me.

The wounded and hurt part of me that I am seeking to explore starts in my maternal lineage around love and relationship with the masculine.  The patterns for centuries affects me as a woman and as a mother. I’m committed to breaking some deeply painful patterns that I am discovering. I am transmuting the energy into more understanding, compassion and love. These deeply painful patterns stem from a whole lineage of sexual, physical and verbal abuse as far back in my tree as I can see.

Around sex and pleasure,  I’m diving into old traumas and re-aligning with respect, dignity, and wholeness and creating a powerful flowering that will embrace my new body, strengthen my orgasms and honor my desires for more pleasure, intimacy and love in self-love/care and co-partnership relating.

I’ve been so incredibly emotional. I am crying like a river.  I think much needed to release the grief, sadness and disappointment from past traumas throughout my life and the suffering that many women in my lineage endured. It’s a lot to hold. Some days (my therapist named this for me, thank you)  I feel as if I’m drowning.  Yes, that is how I feel, and yet I know that I will come up for air.

I’m practicing loving kindness toward my self-criticism. Making a forward leap in backing down and seeing the “what is-ness” vs. the labeling of “good/bad” of my thoughts and process (more criticism).

I’m loving the meditation practices, visualizations, coaching and journaling that Violet is offering and her immaculate ability to hold space and coach her clients through hard times.  Thank you!!  When I was feeling extremely low, she offered me a few clearing exercises and I felt so supported in my ability to release.

I can tell this is going to be an epic and revealing journey for me.

These next two weeks are Self-Respect, power and boundaries and the infamous “Jade Egg”, as well as Self-Healing and connecting to our emotional states.

I’m so tantalized by this mysterious egg….stay tuned.;)