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HOW AUTHENTIC ARE YOUR TRUTHS?

by Nicole's Blog

What holds you back from expressing your deepest desires in relationships?
What do you need to give up to create an embodied, thriving relationship?
How authentically do you speak your truths?

I asked a client recently, “What deep desire do you wish to express in your life with your partner?” She said, “I don’t know what I want to express or what I even desire.”
She was blocked in her sacral charka – the home of desire, pleasure, and needs. I rephrased it, “If your human nature is to desire, what fear comes up around speaking your truth?” Then, “If there were no consequences, what would you really want to say to your partner?”

This is where her thoughts went…
What if he judges me?
Will he leave me?
What if he doesn’t accept my feelings or hear my needs?
What if he reacts as he has in the past?
If I tell him the truth, will I make what I say safe for him to experience?
Will he not feel love from me?
Will he be OK?

This is how we started to unpack her authentic truths.

The thing is, many of my clients come to me to heal trauma. They are operating in their shadow behaviors – strategies that the ego adopts to cope with pain.

In these answers you can see that there is not much concern for what she wants, desires or needs.

Women have been suffering from oppression, suppression and abuse for millennia and although this is changing, the viral programs are still being flushed. Women are shut down. Women lack awareness in their bodies. Women have given up trying to get what they desire because they were not allowed to desire.

In her case, these thoughts stem from the Martyr-People Pleaser complex.

The martyr suppresses her needs and desires. She’s considered the “doormat” or the “self-saboteur”, that takes on others’ pain, assumes personal fault, and doesn’t voice her true feelings.

If she doesn’t have a voice, or can’t stand up for herself, she often will place the focus in her relationship on her partner. Thus, becoming the People Pleaser as it’s easier to help, solve and fix them than to understand herself. It’s a way to she can self-validate.

When we learn to open up and be vulnerable in a relationship, we do not know how the other person will react or receive our truths. In relationships, we learn that each person comes with their own set of rules, experiences, openness, past traumas, etc.

It’s important to learn how to express oneself with authenticity regardless of how it may land with your partner. The way it lands for the other is their responsibility. We need to learn to not so deeply project the possible narrative.

If we are to let go of co-dependency – tip toeing around our partners to help save them – then we need to learn that we are safe to express ourselves.

Back to my client.
What do you really want to say….
She blurted, “I’d rather have LOVE from the Divine than from him.”

I said, “THANK YOU for speaking your truth! I know this is truth because its UNIVERSAL WISDOM. All humans seek UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, ultimately for ourselves.”

She’s on a journey of self-love releasing her pain.
She can’t receive LOVE from him until she receives for herself.
That’s why their relationship isn’t in alignment at the moment.

BRAVO…but check this out…..!

The Martyr made her bad and her at fault for this truth.
The Rescuer believes her husband will not like her if she says this.

How can she express this to her partner?
#1 – Do the healing work of self-love first for her
#2 – Learn the nuances of communication with him

For example…

  • Maybe she can explain what this means for her and her needs – more meditation, self-care and self-love practice time?
  • Maybe there is a best time when her partner is more open to receiving this information – not during a stressed moment where it could be taken the wrong way.
  • Maybe she could use a different tone that can soften her approach and start with an intention of connection in her heart.
  • Maybe she practices more discernment with word choices that connects her with her partner and doesn’t make him bad, at fault, or not DIVINE.

In the end, we are all DIVINE, reflecting for each other to come back to loving ourselves more fully.

This precision, compassion and care is what makes up great communication and creates thriving, authentic, embodied relationships.

If you are interested in learning more about self-mastery, authentic relating and embodied relationships, book a 15 min clarity call.

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I don’t feel heard in my relationship. What can I do? 

by Nicole's Blog

I don’t feel heard in my relationship. What can I do? 

When I ask women about their relationships, I often hear the phrase “I don’t feel heard.”  This could be in her relationship, with her boss, or even with her child.  

As a women’s coach and healer, I teach that every relationship is a mirror to your own inner work. All the feelings you have about it are generated from within you. 

If a woman is not feeling heard in her partnership, I have her go within. If you don’t feel heard in your relationship, I ask, “Are you hearing yourself?” 

Women will experience this narrative, “I’m not heard” typically in their current partnerships because of their unresolved traumas, emotions and experiences from their childhood.  My specialty is helping women become deeply aware of their subconscious programming so they can transform their stories, reclaim their power and show up from a more conscious place now. 

Here are some examples of why you may feel unheard: 

You had parents who were too busy arguing with each other. 

You may have been a sibling sandwiched between other siblings in a large family. 

You may have had a father who was always at work and unavailable. 

You may have had a mother who was a nervous wreck and wrapped up in herself. 

In all of these situations, your inner child was probably not receiving much attention.  As children we all have basic emotional needs for safety, love, attention, and affection. 

If our parents were unable to provide one of these basic needs, we might create a core narrative, also called a core wound. In this, we develop related emotions, beliefs about ourselves and others, and coping mechanisms that help us to manage our pain. 

If you are not feeling heard, chances are you are not expressing your needs and feelings either. You might be ignoring an inner voice that says, “this doesn’t feel good, but I don’t know how to bring it up. “Or, “I’ll just let this slip because it’s not that important”. 

When you read this, you may recognize what are termed martyr behaviors – not speaking up, taking on others’ pain, and not expressing yourself. These behaviors are shadows because they come from a sense of unworthiness or a feeling of not deserving to be heard, seen or loved. 

If left unresolved, you will perpetuate your pain, and this leads to self-sabotage because you will end up getting what you didn’t want – you will not be heard in your relationship! 

This is a great learning opportunity for the following reasons: 

This teaches you how to re-parent yourself. To turn inward and give the inner child what she so lovingly needs – for you to listen. Re-parenting helps you heal the unresolved pains, feelings and emotions that were trapped around this narrative. 

You open to a new perspective creating freedom from the patterns through self-forgiveness. In this way, you recognize that your parents were doing the best they could. 

You release the martyr shadow behavior and become more self-expressed, authentic and transparent with your needs, and desires because you are not moving from pain, but from power. 

You invite great tools into your life like conscious communication. 

Here is a quick process to learn how to self-resource.  

  1. When you feel unheard, take a pause and a few deep breaths. If you have the space for a brief meditation that’s the best – after all, you want to hear yourself.  Place a hand on your belly and heart. This brings a sense of calm to your body. 
  2. Ask yourself, “what causes me to feel unheard?” Note any images or events from the past that remind you of this. Be curious. 
  3. Now, ask your heart to express what she truly desires – more love, more attention, more acceptance? Now you are listening, and your current needs will be born out of these desires. This form of listening helps you build trust and is self-resourcing. 
  4. In this moment, you may realize that you don’t need anything at all AND there still maybe room for growth in your communication and your partnership.   
  5. Maybe you need more reciprocation from your partner, more reflective listening, clearer reciprocity, softer moments, or them to ask more questions about you. Whatever it is, connect with your partner in the heart and ask for a specific request that can meet your need.
  6. Questions that are connective might be: Would you be willing to…? Can you help me understand…? Can you reflect back what you heard so I feel you hear me? 

And remember this. Your partner might be able to meet your need, and doesn’t “need to” either. If your partner cannot meet your needs, what could you do to get that need met? (That’s another blog!) 

The point is – now you feel heard.

Feel free to leave comments or questions below.  Want to understand how to go deeper, grab a free 15 min chat!   https://calendly.com/unleashthepriestess/15min

 

 

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Healing the Emotional Root Leads to Enlightenment

by Nicole's Blog

At the core of your being, your inner child is longing to be healed.

The little, playful, innocent child within you is hurt.  When you get triggered that is her kicking and screaming to be heard, seen and loved in the way she wants to be. She’s asking for your help!

You keep trying to push her away.  Sometimes you say, “That wasn’t such a big deal, I’m over it, stop whining and complaining. I’ve forgiven him/her.”  Yet, avoiding and ignoring doesn’t feel supportive to a sensitive child who wants love and attention.

Imagine your own kids. See yourself as them. See your parents as inner children as well.  This will bring about compassion.

The work you are here to do is to heal your inner child that is wounded so that you are no longer a victim of your own life who is not seen, heard, or loved in the way that you want to be.

If you can give that inner child a voice, what would she say?

Your inner child didn’t have ways to express herself in the way you do as an adult, so she internalized her pain and suffering. She believes that the world is against her.  That things are not going to work out for her.  She becomes a Victim because she has lost her knowing that she is love.  She is separated from love.

Your inner child that is wounded develops this ego identity that believes she’s at fault. You may punish and sabotage yourself because you believe you are bad or wrong.  In the end, you don’t ask for your needs to be met.  And you may believe you don’t deserve or your aren’t good enough.  You become the Martyr.

If you can give your inner child a voice, what needs would she ask to be met?

As a child, when you stopped asking for your needs to be met, you stuffed all this pain inside of you, how does that make you feel?

The inner child is angry, raging and sad and feels like she needs to blame and shame herself and others for these feelings of being trapped and mistrusting of the world.

She probably lashes out or criticizes or judges herself and others.  She may even get outwardly reactive and triggered often by others and her relationships. She becomes the Perpetrator. The inner and outer judge.

She feels its her against the world, or she isn’t seemingly getting what she wants when she keeps trying to make things work.  She’s in a tantrum and can’t see her way out.

If you can give your inner child a voice, who and what is she blaming for things not working out?

She really wants other people to get her, hear her and acknowledge her. She keeps pleasing others to make this happen.  She expects that she can change or fix others so it all works out.

She keeps seeking relationships with people that will be ‘on her side’, ‘follow her path’, and get it. She feels safe and in control.

She’s taking on more than her fair share of responsibility and giving more than she needs to.

She’s feeling like other people’s pains are more important than her feelings and feels resentments building up because she’s suppressing her voice.

She becomes the rescuer, to fix, solve, change or control so that she can prove her value.

If you can give your inner child a voice, what would she say and feel like if she could drop all of her expectations and needs to please others and really take care of herself? What is really her responsibility?

If you resonate with any of this you are working in the programming of the 4 addictive ego behaviors – the victim, martyr, persecutor and rescuer.

These are the ego illusions.

In the end, these are stories that are created by the wounded inner child in efforts to survive with its pain and suffering.

What if this could shift?

What if your perception has been clouded by hurt and that’s why things aren’t in full flow?

What if you could express your feelings and be heard and loved in response?

What if you could heal your woundedness and live in internal peace and harmony, so much so that chaos could not touch you?

What if you forgave yourself and others to the extent that you could see beyond the illusion of comparison, competitiveness, wrong, right, blame, shame and rebellion?

What if you could live in so much internal love that you radiate out all needs met, all the time and you could resource from within and your connect with the Divine?

What if you could heal that inner child and experience victory and freedom at deep levels of your being?

What if you could sit in neutrality and let go of the attachments and expectations and live in synchronicities with the Universe and feel undeniably supported?

This is achievable.

This is a practice.

This is the truth.

Healing the emotional root of your traumas and releasing the triggers is the path of enlightenment!

 

If you want to learn how to to heal your inner child and breakthrough your limiting beliefs, step into your power and live the dreams that you imagine for yourself, contact me for safe and loving support.

(FYI…Photo above is me and my little bro.)