Why am I still in this relationship? I know it’s not good for me, but I’m still in it.
I heard this recently from a client who said her relationship was highly distracting and she couldn’t focus. She is dating a guy who’s getting a divorce and he’s got a young child.
To some it might feel obvious why this is complicated, emotional, and distracting, yet for her inner child’s subconscious it’s a familiar pattern that she’s not yet resolved.
When we are in a pattern like this, we’re in our shadow. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes years to actually notice it. That’s why people hire coaches and therapists – to have a neutral party who can track the pattern and find the root cause of the narrative one’s playing out.
With my clients, I always bring the shadow behaviors to the root of the mother and father relationship. I have a process whereby we uncover the core wounds, unresolved emotions, beliefs and coping strategies that are present.
In her household, her dad was present physically, but emotionally unavailable.
Her mom was distracted and mentally unstable.
Her inner child felt sadness and disconnection. She felt like she wasn’t enough, not smart enough, or pretty enough.
Her inner child had a deep desire for a masculine figure to protect her from her mom’s instability, provide structure, and take care of her.
The inner child didn’t receive any emotional support.
In believing she wasn’t enough, the world became one ruled by standing out, proving herself, and trying to gain attention. She has a yearning to be ‘the chosen one’.
In her current relationship, she’s developed what I call ‘the sister wound’. She’s competing with the ex-wife for this man’s attention. She’s jealous and wants to prove that she is the chosen one.
This man is physically present for her, but often is wrapped up with his family. He’s emotionally erratic just like her mom, or emotionally unavailable just like her dad. This back and forth is a common theme for her in relationships.
Before our call she wanted to go deeper, but he wasn’t putting in the effort and she wondered why he couldn’t step into the relationship.
However, during our call she recognized that she was playing out an unresolved pattern from her childhood.
The first step in healing it is the self-awareness she came to in our call.
The second step is taking ownership of her point of attraction.
This is her opportunity to go inward and resolve this with her parents and then re-parent herself.
In my work, we’d use a variety of processes, like role playing with the parents. Then we’d use healing techniques to move the core narratives, feelings and beliefs through the multidimensional layers (physical, energetic, emotional, mental) of the system using both imagination and the senses.
What she recognizes now is that no relationship can fill the void that she feels within herself.
Her focus: Self-Resourcing. Self-Love. Inner Child/Reparenting. Empowerment.
This releases her co-dependency on others to feel good enough, and is the foundation for a healthier point of attraction for future relationships.
If you resonate, please feel free to make a comment below, or reach out to see how you might resolve your own patterns by booking a 15 min clarity call with me!