IMG_1511

Building a Strong Foundation: The Power of Open Communication in Relationships

by Nicole's Blog

When it comes to committed relationships, making agreements is crucial. However, not all agreements are created equal. Some may seem like an escape, leaving our partners feeling unworthy of a deeper commitment. But why settle for a limited agreement when we can aim for something greater?

 

Recently, a relationship coach colleague shared an agreement that some couples make: “I agree to tell you if there is someone else I am interested in romantically.” While this agreement may seem like a step in the right direction, it is not enough to create a truly secure and committed relationship.

 

In fact, this agreement can be seen as an escape, suggesting that the partner is not worth making a more significant commitment to. A limited agreement like this can make it challenging for emotionally available people to feel truly secure in the relationship. Emotional availability and security are essential for building strong connections and a stable relationship foundation.

 

Many people struggle with emotional unavailability, which makes it difficult for them to fully commit to a relationship. Avoidance, or what I call “having a back door” or “a backup plan,” is rooted in fear of rejection, fear of being alone, and fear of vulnerability. Your partner can feel this lack of commitment energetically, even if they can’t express it. It can create a sense of unease in the relationship that undermines its stability.

 

Emotional well-being is crucial to create a secure and genuine connection. We need to take responsibility for our emotional health to build stronger relationships. By doing the inner work necessary to become emotionally available and secure, we can show up more fully for our partners.

 

When my colleague asked me, “what commitment or agreement can couples make to feel truly committed”. My response was simple: “Commit to open and honest communication. Have a commitment to talk about anything that arises in real-time that causes separation and can help partners be vulnerable, share their thoughts and feelings.” 

 

This approach limits feelings of disharmony within and encourages both partners to address any challenges that arise in the relationship promptly and constructively. Over time, this kind of communication builds trust and security in the relationship.

 

In the end, making commitments and agreements in a committed relationship is essential. We need to take personal responsibility for our emotional health and commit to open and honest connective communication to build genuine relationships that stand the test of time. 

 

xo,

Nicole

 

IMG_1030

How to Receive Feedback in a Partnership without Getting Defensive

by Nicole's Blog

Receiving feedback in a partnership can be challenging when it’s constructive criticism or if it challenges the beliefs or behaviors that are so ingrained in us.

Over the years, I have become aware of how I’ve tiptoed around partners who were reactive and how I shut down my voice and body out of fear of their reactions to my feedback.

I have noticed through my relationships the ways that I might unconsciously defend my position to cope with feelings like I’m being criticized, attacked or that I’m wrong.

The beauty of working on your communication in your relationship is to shed light on these unconscious shadow behaviors and to bring more authenticity, intimacy and transparency to your life. Even though it may be hard to hear feedback, it’s vital to any healthy relationship.

Recently I’ve been working with a few clients to become more aware of their bodies when they receive feedback, so they can become more aware of their defensiveness.

Here are signs that you are getting defensive when receiving feedback:.

1. When you’re feeling defensive, you may feel a sense of anger or frustration, even if the feedback you’re receiving isn’t necessarily negative. When you are in this fight, flight or freeze response you are gearing up for attack you probably are not fully listening to your partner.

2. If you shut down or withdraw from the conversation you may feel overwhelmed or unable to cope with the feedback you’re receiving.

3. When you are interrupting the other person you’re defending yourself or your actions before the other person finishes speaking.

4. If there is a denial of responsibility for your actions or you are quick to blame others, this is because you are trying to avoid feeling at fault or taking responsibility for your actions.

5. If you are making excuses for your behavior or action, you may be trying to justify your behavior instead of accepting the feedback.

When you feel yourself getting defensive, take a deep breath and focus on your breath for a few moments and slow down.

Notice the sensations that are coming to the surface. Focus on the sensations in your body, such as the feeling of your feet on the ground or your breath moving in and out of your body. This can help you stay grounded in the present moment and reduce the intensity of your defensive reaction.

When your partner is giving you feedback, make sure you listen actively without interrupting. It’s even helpful to repeat what they’re saying back to them to ensure that you’ve understood their perspective correctly.

Validate your partner’s feelings and perspective, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them by letting them know that you hear their concerns and show that you’re willing to consider their feedback. This will show that you’re taking their feedback seriously and want to fully understand their perspective.

When you respond to your partner, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, “I’m having trouble understanding your perspective.” Or thank you, “I have another perspective you might consider.” This can help you both express your feelings without putting your partner on the defensive or projecting something onto him/her.

Receiving feedback and working on defensiveness in a partnership is vital for any healthy relationship. By practicing active listening, acknowledging your partner’s perspective, asking for clarification, taking breaks if needed, practicing self-awareness, and being open to growth and change, you can receive feedback in a constructive and positive way!

xo,
Nicole