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Shame = Fear Before Action

“Those of us who get bogged down by fear before action are usually being sabotaged by an older enemy, shameShame is a controlling device. Shaming someone is an attempt to prevent the person from behaving in a way that embarrasses us.” Julia Cameron, The Artists Way.

I love this quote. As a trauma-informed emotional healer, coach and student and teacher of shame, this is a tender topic and so worth diving into!

To add to the above definition, as I understand it, shame is ultimately fear of rejection by the tribe.

Last week prior to this full moon, I was feeling my clients’  deeply moving through shame energy as they were processing lineage core wounding narratives in their first two chakras.  Being so empathic I often feel what my clients are going through and subsequently, I use this as an opportunity to take action and do a deeper medicine dive into my own body-mind system.

I realized I was feeling blocked creatively and could do more inner work around using my own shame story as fuel to expose myself, my story and be more vulnerable as inspiration for healing others.  To me this ends up amplifying my own courage, power and grace.

The more we expose the icky feelings beneath the surface the more healing occurs.  The more we release shame in our sacral chakra, the more in touch we are with our Divine Feminine essence, intuition and creative life force energy.  In turn, this translates to opening all the chakras and particularly the throat chakra so we can speak our authentic truth.

How does shame show up?

Shame can show up in a variety of ways as I have seen it with my clients  – body image, sexual abuse or misdirected energy, and societal controls as Julia mentions above.

Body Image

Brene Brown tells us that body image is the biggest shame that women feel.  As you know, you have been conditioned to believe that everyone woman needs to be the perfect 10.  Add, the filters, Photoshop, enhancements, etc and you’ve got a standard that makes you feel imperfect and embarrassed for being different and creates the ‘less-than’ or lack mentality. This feeds your core wound story around not feeling heard, loved, or seen.

Sexual Trauma

This comes in all forms.  Any time you feel you are in the minoritylesbian, transgender, bi, poly, etc. there is probably a narrative underneath that needs healing so you can come into full power in whatever form you wish to be.  Also, there is sexual abuse – any time you gave up your power, or your power was taken away you carry shame.  On top of this, there are distortions like when you were disrespected, taunted or teased regarding your gender.

Societal Controls

Julia reminds us in her book the familiar stories we heard. I know I did.  The “how dare you?” angry adult response to things that my innocent child did.  I have caught myself blurting this out loud to my own child unconsciously, thankfully only once when I was tired, impatient and frustrated. Oh that tricky unconscious (Shame on you, lol!).

The thing is – we are at fault, wronged and shamed all the time.

As Julia says above, ‘shaming someone is an attempt to prevent the person from behaving in a way that embarrasses us.”

I remember feeling this shame energy coming from peers and from myself when my son started biting as a means of communicating his big feelings when he turned 1.5/2 years old.  I was told over and over again that it was OK that it would pass, but soon became isolated as people did not understand, and I was not included in group activities.

I also felt shame around my failed relationship.  That shame was my own version of sabotage and victim fed by my core wounding story of abandonment. I then had a fear of rejection come up around the ‘normal ways’ of parenting, or the ways that many of my peers were seemingly doing it the ‘right’ way.

I additionally felt shame around my new body, which didn’t look like my ‘pre-birth’ body. My yoni felt disfigured and my extra stomach skin and pooch made me feel embarrassed.

There was a lot to process the last few years.

Feeling Rejection

The fact is, none of us want to feel rejection.

The fear of rejection is one of the biggest fears that is tribally wired in your brain. If you were rejected from the tribe as hunter-gather then the odds were this was your death sentence.  So you learned to co-habitat and create rules that fit what was best for the majority, whether or not that was good for you as an individual or not.

Within this structure you shut down the bright creative energy that resides within you.

If you were ever made to feel ashamed for being curious and out-of-bounds, then chances are you are afraid to step out of the box.

The problem is: YOUR CREATIVE ENERGY IS WHO YOU ARE.  IT’S YOUR BRILLIANCE. YOUR LIGHT TO SHINE!

Remember the quote from Marianne Williamson,

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I love this quote because it reminds us that its the power within us that is what frightens us because we have been controlled through fear and shame for so long.

In our current paradigm, the light is different.  The light is out of the “norm”.  We need to re-structure ourselves and society.

This also reminds me of my favorite acronym for FEARFalse Ego Appearing Real.

Our Ego is our wounded child’s creation, our illusion of separation.  It’s what creates this very real experience that we are having which shouts,  “I am different, alone, disconnected and rejected.” As I write and speak all this forward, it feels so good to connect and expose it.

I offer all our human moments to the fire. 

You are human and learning how to make your way back home. You are rising from the lower chakras of fear, separation, disrespect, shame, and guilt and finding your way into your power and your heart through exposing yourself. You are calling in vulnerability.

I offer the judger, inner critic, shamer and wounded child in you a deep embrace.

Instead of pushing her aside bring your little girl toward you. When your little child is feeling emotionally out of control help her to feel safe and secure so she can process her big emotions and feel healing.

Forgive. Surrender. Let go.

When you release your shame you walk into freedom to be who you are meant to be. You are here to live in your power and purpose without fear. When you are free you can take creative action as it moves through you.

I have loads of tools that I’ve gathered through experience working with thousands of people in deep medicinal healing environments for well over 10 years. If its time for you to take this deep dive into shame and creative blocks, reach out. I’m happy to help navigate these tricky waters to freedom.

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Sex, Pleasure, Love – The Divine Feminine

I’m ecstatic about The Pleasure Path Program that I committed to with Violet Lange. So much resistance and uneasiness came up for me around committing my fiances and what I deserved for myself, hence knowing full well that this was exactly what I needed. Our first week focuses on Self-Love. I am out of practice!

Post-partum is defined as a short time frame after you give birth, but in all honesty from what I’ve seen with most women I know, its about two full years of adjustment time for the body, hormones and integration of the experience. I’m now ready to re-commit to myself and my I am undergoing a deep healing process.

What I am discovering around this process of working on the sexual center, womb space and stepping into my Divine Feminine is that I need to re-connect with the concept of pleasure, surrender, receptivity, desire, softening, gentleness, and kindness – the of the qualities that describe the Divine Feminine.

As a mom, I’ve been moving mostly from my masculine to provide stability, finances, structure and boundaries for Yeshua. These are all good and heralded parts of me, yet I’ve lost the fun, flirtatious, and feminine me.

The wounded and hurt part of me that I am seeking to explore starts in my maternal lineage around love and relationship with the masculine.  The patterns for centuries affects me as a woman and as a mother. I’m committed to breaking some deeply painful patterns that I am discovering. I am transmuting the energy into more understanding, compassion and love. These deeply painful patterns stem from a whole lineage of sexual, physical and verbal abuse as far back in my tree as I can see.

Around sex and pleasure,  I’m diving into old traumas and re-aligning with respect, dignity, and wholeness and creating a powerful flowering that will embrace my new body, strengthen my orgasms and honor my desires for more pleasure, intimacy and love in self-love/care and co-partnership relating.

I’ve been so incredibly emotional. I am crying like a river.  I think much needed to release the grief, sadness and disappointment from past traumas throughout my life and the suffering that many women in my lineage endured. It’s a lot to hold. Some days (my therapist named this for me, thank you)  I feel as if I’m drowning.  Yes, that is how I feel, and yet I know that I will come up for air.

I’m practicing loving kindness toward my self-criticism. Making a forward leap in backing down and seeing the “what is-ness” vs. the labeling of “good/bad” of my thoughts and process (more criticism).

I’m loving the meditation practices, visualizations, coaching and journaling that Violet is offering and her immaculate ability to hold space and coach her clients through hard times.  Thank you!!  When I was feeling extremely low, she offered me a few clearing exercises and I felt so supported in my ability to release.

I can tell this is going to be an epic and revealing journey for me.

These next two weeks are Self-Respect, power and boundaries and the infamous “Jade Egg”, as well as Self-Healing and connecting to our emotional states.

I’m so tantalized by this mysterious egg….stay tuned.;)