What holds you back from expressing your deepest desires in relationships?
What do you need to give up to create an embodied, thriving relationship?
How authentically do you speak your truths?
I asked a client recently, “What deep desire do you wish to express in your life with your partner?” She said, “I don’t know what I want to express or what I even desire.”
She was blocked in her sacral charka – the home of desire, pleasure, and needs. I rephrased it, “If your human nature is to desire, what fear comes up around speaking your truth?” Then, “If there were no consequences, what would you really want to say to your partner?”
This is where her thoughts went…
What if he judges me?
Will he leave me?
What if he doesn’t accept my feelings or hear my needs?
What if he reacts as he has in the past?
If I tell him the truth, will I make what I say safe for him to experience?
Will he not feel love from me?
Will he be OK?
This is how we started to unpack her authentic truths.
The thing is, many of my clients come to me to heal trauma. They are operating in their shadow behaviors – strategies that the ego adopts to cope with pain.
In these answers you can see that there is not much concern for what she wants, desires or needs.
Women have been suffering from oppression, suppression and abuse for millennia and although this is changing, the viral programs are still being flushed. Women are shut down. Women lack awareness in their bodies. Women have given up trying to get what they desire because they were not allowed to desire.
In her case, these thoughts stem from the Martyr-People Pleaser complex.
The martyr suppresses her needs and desires. She’s considered the “doormat” or the “self-saboteur”, that takes on others’ pain, assumes personal fault, and doesn’t voice her true feelings.
If she doesn’t have a voice, or can’t stand up for herself, she often will place the focus in her relationship on her partner. Thus, becoming the People Pleaser as it’s easier to help, solve and fix them than to understand herself. It’s a way to she can self-validate.
When we learn to open up and be vulnerable in a relationship, we do not know how the other person will react or receive our truths. In relationships, we learn that each person comes with their own set of rules, experiences, openness, past traumas, etc.
It’s important to learn how to express oneself with authenticity regardless of how it may land with your partner. The way it lands for the other is their responsibility. We need to learn to not so deeply project the possible narrative.
If we are to let go of co-dependency – tip toeing around our partners to help save them – then we need to learn that we are safe to express ourselves.
Back to my client.
What do you really want to say….
She blurted, “I’d rather have LOVE from the Divine than from him.”
I said, “THANK YOU for speaking your truth! I know this is truth because its UNIVERSAL WISDOM. All humans seek UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, ultimately for ourselves.”
She’s on a journey of self-love releasing her pain.
She can’t receive LOVE from him until she receives for herself.
That’s why their relationship isn’t in alignment at the moment.
BRAVO…but check this out…..!
The Martyr made her bad and her at fault for this truth.
The Rescuer believes her husband will not like her if she says this.
How can she express this to her partner?
#1 – Do the healing work of self-love first for her
#2 – Learn the nuances of communication with him
- Maybe she can explain what this means for her and her needs – more meditation, self-care and self-love practice time?
- Maybe there is a best time when her partner is more open to receiving this information – not during a stressed moment where it could be taken the wrong way.
- Maybe she could use a different tone that can soften her approach and start with an intention of connection in her heart.
- Maybe she practices more discernment with word choices that connects her with her partner and doesn’t make him bad, at fault, or not DIVINE.
In the end, we are all DIVINE, reflecting for each other to come back to loving ourselves more fully.
This precision, compassion and care is what makes up great communication and creates thriving, authentic, embodied relationships.
If you are interested in learning more about self-mastery, authentic relating and embodied relationships, book a 15 min clarity call.