I don’t feel heard in my relationship. What can I do?
When I ask women about their relationships, I often hear the phrase “I don’t feel heard.” This could be in her relationship, with her boss, or even with her child.
As a women’s coach and healer, I teach that every relationship is a mirror to your own inner work. All the feelings you have about it are generated from within you.
If a woman is not feeling heard in her partnership, I have her go within. If you don’t feel heard in your relationship, I ask, “Are you hearing yourself?”
Women will experience this narrative, “I’m not heard” typically in their current partnerships because of their unresolved traumas, emotions and experiences from their childhood. My specialty is helping women become deeply aware of their subconscious programming so they can transform their stories, reclaim their power and show up from a more conscious place now.
Here are some examples of why you may feel unheard:
You had parents who were too busy arguing with each other.
You may have been a sibling sandwiched between other siblings in a large family.
You may have had a father who was always at work and unavailable.
You may have had a mother who was a nervous wreck and wrapped up in herself.
In all of these situations, your inner child was probably not receiving much attention. As children we all have basic emotional needs for safety, love, attention, and affection.
If our parents were unable to provide one of these basic needs, we might create a core narrative, also called a core wound. In this, we develop related emotions, beliefs about ourselves and others, and coping mechanisms that help us to manage our pain.
If you are not feeling heard, chances are you are not expressing your needs and feelings either. You might be ignoring an inner voice that says, “this doesn’t feel good, but I don’t know how to bring it up. “Or, “I’ll just let this slip because it’s not that important”.
When you read this, you may recognize what are termed martyr behaviors – not speaking up, taking on others’ pain, and not expressing yourself. These behaviors are shadows because they come from a sense of unworthiness or a feeling of not deserving to be heard, seen or loved.
If left unresolved, you will perpetuate your pain, and this leads to self-sabotage because you will end up getting what you didn’t want – you will not be heard in your relationship!
This is a great learning opportunity for the following reasons:
This teaches you how to re-parent yourself. To turn inward and give the inner child what she so lovingly needs – for you to listen. Re-parenting helps you heal the unresolved pains, feelings and emotions that were trapped around this narrative.
You open to a new perspective creating freedom from the patterns through self-forgiveness. In this way, you recognize that your parents were doing the best they could.
You release the martyr shadow behavior and become more self-expressed, authentic and transparent with your needs, and desires because you are not moving from pain, but from power.
You invite great tools into your life like conscious communication.
Here is a quick process to learn how to self-resource.
- When you feel unheard, take a pause and a few deep breaths. If you have the space for a brief meditation that’s the best – after all, you want to hear yourself. Place a hand on your belly and heart. This brings a sense of calm to your body.
- Ask yourself, “what causes me to feel unheard?” Note any images or events from the past that remind you of this. Be curious.
- Now, ask your heart to express what she truly desires – more love, more attention, more acceptance? Now you are listening, and your current needs will be born out of these desires. This form of listening helps you build trust and is self-resourcing.
- In this moment, you may realize that you don’t need anything at all AND there still maybe room for growth in your communication and your partnership.
- Maybe you need more reciprocation from your partner, more reflective listening, clearer reciprocity, softer moments, or them to ask more questions about you. Whatever it is, connect with your partner in the heart and ask for a specific request that can meet your need.
- Questions that are connective might be: Would you be willing to…? Can you help me understand…? Can you reflect back what you heard so I feel you hear me?
And remember this. Your partner might be able to meet your need, and doesn’t “need to” either. If your partner cannot meet your needs, what could you do to get that need met? (That’s another blog!)
The point is – now you feel heard.
Feel free to leave comments or questions below. Want to understand how to go deeper, grab a free 15 min chat! https://calendly.com/unleashthepriestess/15min