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How to Receive Feedback in a Partnership without Getting Defensive

by Nicole's Blog

Receiving feedback in a partnership can be challenging when it’s constructive criticism or if it challenges the beliefs or behaviors that are so ingrained in us.

Over the years, I have become aware of how I’ve tiptoed around partners who were reactive and how I shut down my voice and body out of fear of their reactions to my feedback.

I have noticed through my relationships the ways that I might unconsciously defend my position to cope with feelings like I’m being criticized, attacked or that I’m wrong.

The beauty of working on your communication in your relationship is to shed light on these unconscious shadow behaviors and to bring more authenticity, intimacy and transparency to your life. Even though it may be hard to hear feedback, it’s vital to any healthy relationship.

Recently I’ve been working with a few clients to become more aware of their bodies when they receive feedback, so they can become more aware of their defensiveness.

Here are signs that you are getting defensive when receiving feedback:.

1. When you’re feeling defensive, you may feel a sense of anger or frustration, even if the feedback you’re receiving isn’t necessarily negative. When you are in this fight, flight or freeze response you are gearing up for attack you probably are not fully listening to your partner.

2. If you shut down or withdraw from the conversation you may feel overwhelmed or unable to cope with the feedback you’re receiving.

3. When you are interrupting the other person you’re defending yourself or your actions before the other person finishes speaking.

4. If there is a denial of responsibility for your actions or you are quick to blame others, this is because you are trying to avoid feeling at fault or taking responsibility for your actions.

5. If you are making excuses for your behavior or action, you may be trying to justify your behavior instead of accepting the feedback.

When you feel yourself getting defensive, take a deep breath and focus on your breath for a few moments and slow down.

Notice the sensations that are coming to the surface. Focus on the sensations in your body, such as the feeling of your feet on the ground or your breath moving in and out of your body. This can help you stay grounded in the present moment and reduce the intensity of your defensive reaction.

When your partner is giving you feedback, make sure you listen actively without interrupting. It’s even helpful to repeat what they’re saying back to them to ensure that you’ve understood their perspective correctly.

Validate your partner’s feelings and perspective, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them by letting them know that you hear their concerns and show that you’re willing to consider their feedback. This will show that you’re taking their feedback seriously and want to fully understand their perspective.

When you respond to your partner, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, “I’m having trouble understanding your perspective.” Or thank you, “I have another perspective you might consider.” This can help you both express your feelings without putting your partner on the defensive or projecting something onto him/her.

Receiving feedback and working on defensiveness in a partnership is vital for any healthy relationship. By practicing active listening, acknowledging your partner’s perspective, asking for clarification, taking breaks if needed, practicing self-awareness, and being open to growth and change, you can receive feedback in a constructive and positive way!

xo,
Nicole

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The People-Pleasing Parenting Trap: How Our Own Need for Approval Can Create Narcissistic Children

by Nicole's Blog

I grew up with parents who felt they had to hide many things about themselves out of fear of being rejected and to maintain a certain societal status. I remember my father and mother exaggerating and telling lies and feeling very confused by this.

Over time, I adopted the same fears and I became a people pleaser because I felt similarly that getting others’ approval was the most important thing to do in any relationship over my own truth and needs.

When I became a parent, I was faced with the awareness of this shadow of mine. I became the enabler in my relationship dynamic in order to cover up the inherent problems that I was facing to maintain the happy appearance of new motherhood which led to a lot of resentments.

I have worked really hard to heal this aspect of myself since I had read “The Conscious Parent” book because the last thing I wanted do was create this same shadow with my child which could create the narcissistic qualities that I found my relationship and witnessed with other friends’ partners.

Many of these men were raised with passive parents who steered their whole lives around their children and came from abusive backgrounds themselves. They overcompensated to the degree that it was detrimental to their boys.

Dr. Shefali says, “Children who are raised by parents who sidestep their authenticity camouflaging their true feelings for the sake of fitting in, learn to emulate this phony way of living, watching us try to gain the approval of others, they become people pleasers, catering to the needs of others for the sake of approval.

When our children see us placed the needs of others before our own, they learn that they are to value others more than themselves. because they are highly oriented towards relationships they also base their sense of identity on their relationships but beneath such an authentic service of others, lies a simmering resentment since no one can sustain such giving, unless they have first given to themselves period.

When we please others to gain their approval, we may also begin to please our children seeking their approval we cater inordinately to their needs instead of teaching them to take care of their own needs, over indulging them, we send them a message that it’s okay to take advantage of us out of our own low self sense of self worth. We allow them to imagine themselves as the center of our world, which is an emotionally unhealthy, obsessive way of attempting to assuage our own lack. It’s also a recipe for bringing up narcissists who imagine the world just revolves around them. When we are unable to create healthy boundaries for ourselves.

Our children learn to disrespect the boundaries of others, observing us fail to claim ownership of our space and our needs. They come to believe their space and their needs are more important than those of the others because we constantly give to them without saying no.

When appropriate, they fail to learn the importance of accepting that life itself sometimes says no to us, consequently, they develop a grandiose sense of themselves.”

As parents, it is our responsibility to break the cycle of people-pleasing and create a conscious parenting approach. We must learn to prioritize our own needs and boundaries, while also teaching our children to do the same. By modeling authenticity and self-care, we can help our children develop a healthy sense of self-worth and respect for others.

It may not be easy, but it is worth the effort to create a more balanced and fulfilling family dynamic.

Xo
Nicole

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HOW AUTHENTIC ARE YOUR TRUTHS?

by Nicole's Blog

What holds you back from expressing your deepest desires in relationships?
What do you need to give up to create an embodied, thriving relationship?
How authentically do you speak your truths?

I asked a client recently, “What deep desire do you wish to express in your life with your partner?” She said, “I don’t know what I want to express or what I even desire.”
She was blocked in her sacral charka – the home of desire, pleasure, and needs. I rephrased it, “If your human nature is to desire, what fear comes up around speaking your truth?” Then, “If there were no consequences, what would you really want to say to your partner?”

This is where her thoughts went…
What if he judges me?
Will he leave me?
What if he doesn’t accept my feelings or hear my needs?
What if he reacts as he has in the past?
If I tell him the truth, will I make what I say safe for him to experience?
Will he not feel love from me?
Will he be OK?

This is how we started to unpack her authentic truths.

The thing is, many of my clients come to me to heal trauma. They are operating in their shadow behaviors – strategies that the ego adopts to cope with pain.

In these answers you can see that there is not much concern for what she wants, desires or needs.

Women have been suffering from oppression, suppression and abuse for millennia and although this is changing, the viral programs are still being flushed. Women are shut down. Women lack awareness in their bodies. Women have given up trying to get what they desire because they were not allowed to desire.

In her case, these thoughts stem from the Martyr-People Pleaser complex.

The martyr suppresses her needs and desires. She’s considered the “doormat” or the “self-saboteur”, that takes on others’ pain, assumes personal fault, and doesn’t voice her true feelings.

If she doesn’t have a voice, or can’t stand up for herself, she often will place the focus in her relationship on her partner. Thus, becoming the People Pleaser as it’s easier to help, solve and fix them than to understand herself. It’s a way to she can self-validate.

When we learn to open up and be vulnerable in a relationship, we do not know how the other person will react or receive our truths. In relationships, we learn that each person comes with their own set of rules, experiences, openness, past traumas, etc.

It’s important to learn how to express oneself with authenticity regardless of how it may land with your partner. The way it lands for the other is their responsibility. We need to learn to not so deeply project the possible narrative.

If we are to let go of co-dependency – tip toeing around our partners to help save them – then we need to learn that we are safe to express ourselves.

Back to my client.
What do you really want to say….
She blurted, “I’d rather have LOVE from the Divine than from him.”

I said, “THANK YOU for speaking your truth! I know this is truth because its UNIVERSAL WISDOM. All humans seek UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, ultimately for ourselves.”

She’s on a journey of self-love releasing her pain.
She can’t receive LOVE from him until she receives for herself.
That’s why their relationship isn’t in alignment at the moment.

BRAVO…but check this out…..!

The Martyr made her bad and her at fault for this truth.
The Rescuer believes her husband will not like her if she says this.

How can she express this to her partner?
#1 – Do the healing work of self-love first for her
#2 – Learn the nuances of communication with him

For example…

  • Maybe she can explain what this means for her and her needs – more meditation, self-care and self-love practice time?
  • Maybe there is a best time when her partner is more open to receiving this information – not during a stressed moment where it could be taken the wrong way.
  • Maybe she could use a different tone that can soften her approach and start with an intention of connection in her heart.
  • Maybe she practices more discernment with word choices that connects her with her partner and doesn’t make him bad, at fault, or not DIVINE.

In the end, we are all DIVINE, reflecting for each other to come back to loving ourselves more fully.

This precision, compassion and care is what makes up great communication and creates thriving, authentic, embodied relationships.

If you are interested in learning more about self-mastery, authentic relating and embodied relationships, book a 15 min clarity call.

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5 Keys to Becoming a Conscious Communicator!

by Nicole's Blog

 

Today I am sharing 5 Keys to Becoming a Conscious Communicator!

I grew up in a household with constant arguing, blaming and a complete lack of personal responsibility. I thought this was “normal” and that most relationships were contaminated with feelings of shame/blame, distrust, reactive communication and unhealthy co-dependency.

I knew this wasn’t for me. I dove into personal development right after college, and started the inner exploration to unpack my trauma to become more authentic and embodied in my own communication.

As a life coach and a healer, I have recognized that communication is an artful skill that needs to be practiced AND is an ongoing evolution!

Relationships are an amazing cauldron for practicing conscious communication – and this is ANY relationship with another human, not just romantic ones – your boss, sibling, parent, etc.

Many relationships fail because we are unable to be completely honest with ourselves or our partners.

Or, we are unable to see that we are operating in our own shadow behaviors like co-dependency, people pleasing or blaming.

Or, we are in our heads weaving all sorts of stories without actually clearing them, so we make assumptions, create expectations and resentments build up.

Often times, we don’t have the skilled words and we project our narratives, and expect changes from others to resolve our own uncomfortable feelings.

What I love to teach women is the path to creating strong relationships through your inner alchemy first.

1 – Managing Reactivity. If you are triggered, take pause and a few breaths. As best you can, move your nervous system out of Fight or Flight. No one can calmly and consciously communicate from reptilian brain.

2 – Drop In. When you are triggered, drop in to your feelings vs going out for resolution. Listen and hear yourself first. In this moment, what emotional need is not being met for you? What are your feelings that are unresolved usually from the past?

3 – Be honest & responsible. Express what you feel to your journal, to a mirror or to your heart before reactively responding.  Resolving your emotions in this way is being self-responsible. If you don’t have that space for you, create inner safety by grounding yourself first in your heart and body, then respond.

4 – Needs & values.  Identify what you desire, need and value. Most of us get reactive, or struggle in relationships because we don’t express what we desire or what we wish to experience. This is why people disengage, shut down, build up resentments, or cheat. * AND NOTE: you can’t get all your needs met by one person, or expect someone to meet it, or even change for you.

5 – Connect from the Higher Self perspective.  Zoom out. What is the purpose of every relationship? Growth, expansion, love, and connection. Relationships are mirrors to learn about ourselves. Triggers are our teachers for healing. Use this as a growth opportunity.  Ask questions to the heart vs the head.  Like, “I hear you. Are you willing to share more?” “Can you help me understand this?” “I’m curious, what’s your perspective is on…?”

Once you understand the inner alchemy process, then you can then practice the outer alchemy with more success. 

When you can self-resource your basic emotional needs (safety, love, appreciation and acceptance), you can drop co-dependency and attract deeper, meaningful, and more soul-filled parterships.

If you want to learn awesome communication skills that includes healing, fun and humor, join me and my partner Ray Doktor for a series of workshops that help create safe, spiritual containers for learning this work.

Sunday, April 24
3:30-6:30pm

Join our heartfelt, playful community to experience a sacred container for emotional intimacy. Singles & couples welcome. Non-heated space.

Our playful workshop includes:
*Authentic Relating Games
*Soul Connecting
*Relationship Integrity
*Creating a Spiritual Partnership Container
*Eliciting Emotional Honesty & Transparency with Ease

Our intentions are for you to have an invigorating experience with more trust and confidence in relating and relationships.

“Treasures await those who have the courage to enter the depths of themselves and their partners.” ~The Magdalen Manuscripts
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Dr. Ray received his doctoral degree in clinical psychology and earned a master’s degree in counseling psychology. For the last 27 years, he’s successfully helped over 6k clients breakthrough limited beliefs to have better, sexier, and sustainable relationships. raydoktor.com

Nicole has over 13 years experience as a Women’s Empowerment Coach, Trauma-Informed Healer, Reiki Master Trainer, Transformational Breathwork Facilitator + Trainer, E-RYT 500 Yoga Teacher Trainer, Medicine Woman and Mama. She empowers women to unleash their passion, power and purpose in the world and thrive!

ADVANCE TICKETS ONLY WILL SELL OUT.
LIMITED CAPACITY:
https://www.ashlandhotyoga.com/workshops-events/
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Re-Parenting Emotional Vulnerability: From Weakness to Invincibility!

by Nicole's Blog

Do you ever see yourself as weak or too vulnerable? Or have you felt sorry for yourself?  

What can you do to heal this? 

I was listening to a client the other day and her story was filled with self-shame and judgement toward her emotions. Each time she would experience an uncomfortable feeling, her body would respond very specifically, and she would apologize. 

As a coach and healer, it’s my job to be a mirror to one’s experience tracking one’s subtle energy, language, and body to understand what’s being communicated. Most of our communication is non-verbal. There is so much to be learned through our experience that we are doing unconsciously.

I quickly pointed out that what she was experiencing in this narrative was the same judgment and blocks that she was experiencing in real-time in her business and her relationships.  

In her business she judges her learning process.  She claims she is incompetent when she’s doing operational stuff that’s not in her genius zone, or she shames herself and says she’s weak.

In her relationships she would shut down emotionally or disassociate.

This perpetual shaming has created low-self esteem, and a victim/martyr mentality. 

So where did this begin?

Our unconscious programming develops in our early childhood.

Typically I use an inner child guided imagery process to bring light to these core narratives. I asked my client to imagine a time in her early childhood when she first experienced these feelings (judgment or shame), so she could bring awareness to the core of it and uproot it. 

In this experience, her adult self witnessed her inner child and her response was, “I feel so sorry for her. I pity her pain.”

In this case, she remembered as a kid being taught to “buckle up” and to get over her emotions.  That her emotions were considered weak. If her emotions were present, they were blown out of proportion so she was made to apologize for them. Having emotions was pitiful and painful to her parents. She began to judge children as weak and vulnerable.  Any time she experienced discomfort, she would be shamed. She also believed that the world was a scary place as a result.

What a major a-ha!

I asked her mature adult self to guide her, to teach her about what emotions really are, how to be with them, and how to manage them. I gave her a voice and some breath tools to feel safe in her emotions and move them through her body.

This kind of process develops a trusting relationship between the inner child and the adult self. 

This process is also called “re-parenting”.

Reparenting gives the client an opportunity to create a new narrative coming from the wisdom of the Higher Self. The adult self and inner child co-create a new story built on the foundations of safety, love, and acceptance which builds trust within oneself. 

The pity she felt was the resistance, or tension that was keeping her disconnected from accessing her authentic emotions and was creating blocks in her flow.

Now, she can take ownership of the past, find forgiveness and create something new. 

In the last part of the session, we challenged her belief about her inner child being weak to feel into a new version of confidence.

Is it true that your inner child is weak?

What if the inner child were the most powerful part of you?

What if the inner child were your creative genius? 

What if the inner child was your play? 

What if your innocence was not vulnerable and weak, but vulnerable in its ability to love fully?

What if your inner child was Source within you? 

What if she were eternal and invincible? 

Would you see her differently? 

I brought out “The Sophia Code” teachings: 

“The paradoxical pearl of innocence is that its absolute vulnerability is invincible: for the guardian of innocence is its own holy, indivisible nature. Innocence cannot be bought or manipulated or torn apart. I invite those who have suffered in body and mind from the imbalances and violations of others to take courage – for your innocence can never be stolen from you.  

Your innocence remains steadfast within you, waiting for the storms to recede, safely hidden within The Rose of your heart. When you believe your innocence is damaged or even lost forever, your awareness slips into the dark insanity of suffering, the light of your Higher Self is within you, ever ready to respond to your vulnerable requests for help in remembering your innocence. Claiming your sovereignty reinstates your innocence as a gift and guide for creating a new paradigm in this world.” 

I believe that children are very strong and resilient.

It’s humans who have conditioned them to be otherwise through our own victimization and trauma.  

Would you rather see yourself as invincible, empowered, whole and loved again?  

Our culture is re-learning how to express their emotions, and teaching their kids that it’s OK to have them, feel them, process them and move into action to create a new narrative. 

If we teach that emotions are “energies-in-motion” we can find compassion for the experience of them moving through us versus being defined by them. We can learn about our needs, desires and wants through them. They are great teachers.  

At the end of our session, my client was feeling safe, seen, accepted and loved by herself.

If you’d like to build a solid relationship with your inner child, heal and feel invincible vs vulnerable, Book a chat to get more details!