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HOW AUTHENTIC ARE YOUR TRUTHS?

What holds you back from expressing your deepest desires in relationships?
What do you need to give up to create an embodied, thriving relationship?
How authentically do you speak your truths?

I asked a client recently, “What deep desire do you wish to express in your life with your partner?” She said, “I don’t know what I want to express or what I even desire.
She was blocked in her sacral charka – the home of desire, pleasure, and needs. I rephrased it, “If your human nature is to desire, what fear comes up around speaking your truth?” Then, “If there were no consequences, what would you really want to say to your partner?”

This is where her thoughts went…
What if he judges me?
Will he leave me?
What if he doesn’t accept my feelings or hear my needs?
What if he reacts as he has in the past?
If I tell him the truth, will I make what I say safe for him to experience?
Will he not feel love from me?
Will he be OK?

This is how we started to unpack her authentic truths.

The thing is, many of my clients come to me to heal trauma. They are operating in their shadow behaviors – strategies that the ego adopts to cope with pain.

In these answers you can see that there is not much concern for what she wants, desires or needs.

Women have been suffering from oppression, suppression and abuse for millennia and although this is changing, the viral programs are still being flushed. Women are shut down. Women lack awareness in their bodies. Women have given up trying to get what they desire because they were not allowed to desire.

In her case, these thoughts stem from the Martyr-People Pleaser complex.

The martyr suppresses her needs and desires. She’s considered the “doormat” or the “self-saboteur”, that takes on others’ pain, assumes personal fault, and doesn’t voice her true feelings.

If she doesn’t have a voice, or can’t stand up for herself, she often will place the focus in her relationship on her partner. Thus, becoming the People Pleaser as it’s easier to help, solve and fix them than to understand herself. It’s a way to she can self-validate.

When we learn to open up and be vulnerable in a relationship, we do not know how the other person will react or receive our truths. In relationships, we learn that each person comes with their own set of rules, experiences, openness, past traumas, etc.

It’s important to learn how to express oneself with authenticity regardless of how it may land with your partner. The way it lands for the other is their responsibility. We need to learn to not so deeply project the possible narrative.

If we are to let go of co-dependency – tip toeing around our partners to help save them – then we need to learn that we are safe to express ourselves.

Back to my client.
What do you really want to say….
She blurted, “I’d rather have LOVE from the Divine than from him.”

I said, “THANK YOU for speaking your truth! I know this is truth because its UNIVERSAL WISDOM. All humans seek UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, ultimately for ourselves.

She’s on a journey of self-love releasing her pain.
She can’t receive LOVE from him until she receives for herself.
That’s why their relationship isn’t in alignment at the moment.

BRAVO…but check this out…..!

The Martyr made her bad and her at fault for this truth.
The Rescuer believes her husband will not like her if she says this.

How can she express this to her partner?
#1 – Do the healing work of self-love first for her
#2 – Learn the nuances of communication with him

For example…

  • Maybe she can explain what this means for her and her needs – more meditation, self-care and self-love practice time?
  • Maybe there is a best time when her partner is more open to receiving this information – not during a stressed moment where it could be taken the wrong way.
  • Maybe she could use a different tone that can soften her approach and start with an intention of connection in her heart.
  • Maybe she practices more discernment with word choices that connects her with her partner and doesn’t make him bad, at fault, or not DIVINE.

In the end, we are all DIVINE, reflecting for each other to come back to loving ourselves more fully.

This precision, compassion and care is what makes up great communication and creates thriving, authentic, embodied relationships.

If you are interested in learning more about self-mastery, authentic relating and embodied relationships, book a 15 min clarity call.

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5 Keys to Becoming a Conscious Communicator!

 

Today I am sharing 5 Keys to Becoming a Conscious Communicator!

I grew up in a household with constant arguing, blaming and a complete lack of personal responsibility. I thought this was “normal” and that most relationships were contaminated with feelings of shame/blame, distrust, reactive communication and unhealthy co-dependency.

I knew this wasn’t for me. I dove into personal development right after college, and started the inner exploration to unpack my trauma to become more authentic and embodied in my own communication.

As a life coach and a healer, I have recognized that communication is an artful skill that needs to be practiced AND is an ongoing evolution!

Relationships are an amazing cauldron for practicing conscious communication – and this is ANY relationship with another human, not just romantic ones – your boss, sibling, parent, etc.

Many relationships fail because we are unable to be completely honest with ourselves or our partners.

Or, we are unable to see that we are operating in our own shadow behaviors like co-dependency, people pleasing or blaming.

Or, we are in our heads weaving all sorts of stories without actually clearing them, so we make assumptions, create expectations and resentments build up.

Often times, we don’t have the skilled words and we project our narratives, and expect changes from others to resolve our own uncomfortable feelings.

What I love to teach women is the path to creating strong relationships through your inner alchemy first.

1 – Managing Reactivity. If you are triggered, take pause and a few breaths. As best you can, move your nervous system out of Fight or Flight. No one can calmly and consciously communicate from reptilian brain.

2 – Drop In. When you are triggered, drop in to your feelings vs going out for resolution. Listen and hear yourself first. In this moment, what emotional need is not being met for you? What are your feelings that are unresolved usually from the past?

3 – Be honest & responsible. Express what you feel to your journal, to a mirror or to your heart before reactively responding.  Resolving your emotions in this way is being self-responsible. If you don’t have that space for you, create inner safety by grounding yourself first in your heart and body, then respond.

4 – Needs & values.  Identify what you desire, need and value. Most of us get reactive, or struggle in relationships because we don’t express what we desire or what we wish to experience. This is why people disengage, shut down, build up resentments, or cheat. * AND NOTE: you can’t get all your needs met by one person, or expect someone to meet it, or even change for you.

5 – Connect from the Higher Self perspective.  Zoom out. What is the purpose of every relationship? Growth, expansion, love, and connection. Relationships are mirrors to learn about ourselves. Triggers are our teachers for healing. Use this as a growth opportunity.  Ask questions to the heart vs the head.  Like, “I hear you. Are you willing to share more?” “Can you help me understand this?” “I’m curious, what’s your perspective is on…?”

Once you understand the inner alchemy process, then you can then practice the outer alchemy with more success. 

When you can self-resource your basic emotional needs (safety, love, appreciation and acceptance), you can drop co-dependency and attract deeper, meaningful, and more soul-filled parterships.

If you want to learn awesome communication skills that includes healing, fun and humor, join me and my partner Ray Doktor for a series of workshops that help create safe, spiritual containers for learning this work.

Sunday, April 24
3:30-6:30pm

Join our heartfelt, playful community to experience a sacred container for emotional intimacy. Singles & couples welcome. Non-heated space.

Our playful workshop includes:
*Authentic Relating Games
*Soul Connecting
*Relationship Integrity
*Creating a Spiritual Partnership Container
*Eliciting Emotional Honesty & Transparency with Ease

Our intentions are for you to have an invigorating experience with more trust and confidence in relating and relationships.

“Treasures await those who have the courage to enter the depths of themselves and their partners.” ~The Magdalen Manuscripts
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Dr. Ray received his doctoral degree in clinical psychology and earned a master’s degree in counseling psychology. For the last 27 years, he’s successfully helped over 6k clients breakthrough limited beliefs to have better, sexier, and sustainable relationships. raydoktor.com

Nicole has over 13 years experience as a Women’s Empowerment Coach, Trauma-Informed Healer, Reiki Master Trainer, Transformational Breathwork Facilitator + Trainer, E-RYT 500 Yoga Teacher Trainer, Medicine Woman and Mama. She empowers women to unleash their passion, power and purpose in the world and thrive!

ADVANCE TICKETS ONLY WILL SELL OUT.
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The Journey is the Destination. Follow Your Passion. Let Your Heart Lead.

THE JOURNEY IS THE DESTINATION. FOLLOW YOUR PASSION. LET YOUR HEART LEAD.

My friends in SF used to say I was the woman who had nine lives because I would change roles and identities over and over again. I had a thirst for adventure and exploration just like my dad.😀

In fact, I had a spiritual awakening after my dad’s death in March of 2001. In that moment, I gave myself permission to live my life by following my bliss. I am grateful for my dad’s incredible spirit of adventure. He traveled to just about every country in the world. I am grateful for his death too which taught me how I didn’t want to die – filled with sadness and regrets.

I wanted to explore all that life had to offer. I started post- Georgetown University, climbing the ladders of corporate America as an advertising executive and soon thereafter a marketing executive.

I then transformed myself into an actor, being on stage, performing, singing and doing indie films all over SF.

I shifted into event planner for weddings, parties and social events. Then quickly jumped into night club promoting and created 1000-person undergrounds + went to Burning Man and just about every festival I could for 8 years!

I burned myself out from overstimulation, lack of sleep, drugs and alcohol, and ended up in Yoga. I went full steam ahead to become a yoga teacher and eventually became a Yoga Teacher Trainer with 10K hours of teaching.

This led me to energy work, reiki mastership, healing and shamanism. I went deep into alternative healing arts and became a plant medicine facilitator for over 8 years embodying that wisdom too.

I became a Mother! Woo hoo (that one I forever in this life shall be!).

Right now (in this moment), I’m living my purpose as a women’s empowerment coach, intuitive healer, breathwork facilitator and still using all the skills from the last 15 years.

As I write this I think F*CK YEAH what an amazing life I’ve lived. I always followed my bliss. And I have always excelled because I was in my passion.

Trust me, living has not always been FUN – I’ve had my dark-night-of-the-soul moments, but those have always been for my growth and more birthing.

I picked up a book about 10 years ago that said, “Wherever you go there you are.” I knew that the only relationship we truly have is the one with ourselves.

We are all here on this heroic human journey of self-realization to recognize our sovereign divinity as SOURCE CREATOR. We get to CHOOSE every single day how we’d like to LIVE our LIVES. Thank you Sophia for the gift of free-will.

If you live your life with passion, expansion and follow the stream of good feelings, you will always end up growing and evolving.

The JOURNEY IS THE DESTINATION and there is no HOW TO MANUAL to get “somewhere”. Life is about LIVIN’ – in LOVE and PASSION. If you do this, you will support your evolution and that supports the whole.

😍😍😍
Are you with me?

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I don’t feel heard in my relationship. What can I do? 

I don’t feel heard in my relationship. What can I do? 

When I ask women about their relationships, I often hear the phrase “I don’t feel heard.”  This could be in her relationship, with her boss, or even with her child.  

As a women’s coach and healer, I teach that every relationship is a mirror to your own inner work. All the feelings you have about it are generated from within you. 

If a woman is not feeling heard in her partnership, I have her go within. If you don’t feel heard in your relationship, I ask, “Are you hearing yourself?” 

Women will experience this narrative, “I’m not heard” typically in their current partnerships because of their unresolved traumas, emotions and experiences from their childhood.  My specialty is helping women become deeply aware of their subconscious programming so they can transform their stories, reclaim their power and show up from a more conscious place now. 

Here are some examples of why you may feel unheard: 

You had parents who were too busy arguing with each other. 

You may have been a sibling sandwiched between other siblings in a large family. 

You may have had a father who was always at work and unavailable. 

You may have had a mother who was a nervous wreck and wrapped up in herself. 

In all of these situations, your inner child was probably not receiving much attention.  As children we all have basic emotional needs for safety, love, attention, and affection. 

If our parents were unable to provide one of these basic needs, we might create a core narrative, also called a core wound. In this, we develop related emotions, beliefs about ourselves and others, and coping mechanisms that help us to manage our pain. 

If you are not feeling heard, chances are you are not expressing your needs and feelings either. You might be ignoring an inner voice that says, “this doesn’t feel good, but I don’t know how to bring it up. “Or, “I’ll just let this slip because it’s not that important”. 

When you read this, you may recognize what are termed martyr behaviors – not speaking up, taking on others’ pain, and not expressing yourself. These behaviors are shadows because they come from a sense of unworthiness or a feeling of not deserving to be heard, seen or loved. 

If left unresolved, you will perpetuate your pain, and this leads to self-sabotage because you will end up getting what you didn’t want – you will not be heard in your relationship! 

This is a great learning opportunity for the following reasons: 

This teaches you how to re-parent yourself. To turn inward and give the inner child what she so lovingly needs – for you to listen. Re-parenting helps you heal the unresolved pains, feelings and emotions that were trapped around this narrative. 

You open to a new perspective creating freedom from the patterns through self-forgiveness. In this way, you recognize that your parents were doing the best they could. 

You release the martyr shadow behavior and become more self-expressed, authentic and transparent with your needs, and desires because you are not moving from pain, but from power. 

You invite great tools into your life like conscious communication. 

Here is a quick process to learn how to self-resource.  

  1. When you feel unheard, take a pause and a few deep breaths. If you have the space for a brief meditation that’s the best – after all, you want to hear yourself.  Place a hand on your belly and heart. This brings a sense of calm to your body. 
  2. Ask yourself, “what causes me to feel unheard?” Note any images or events from the past that remind you of this. Be curious. 
  3. Now, ask your heart to express what she truly desires – more love, more attention, more acceptance? Now you are listening, and your current needs will be born out of these desires. This form of listening helps you build trust and is self-resourcing. 
  4. In this moment, you may realize that you don’t need anything at all AND there still maybe room for growth in your communication and your partnership.   
  5. Maybe you need more reciprocation from your partner, more reflective listening, clearer reciprocity, softer moments, or them to ask more questions about you. Whatever it is, connect with your partner in the heart and ask for a specific request that can meet your need.
  6. Questions that are connective might be: Would you be willing to…? Can you help me understand…? Can you reflect back what you heard so I feel you hear me? 

And remember this. Your partner might be able to meet your need, and doesn’t “need to” either. If your partner cannot meet your needs, what could you do to get that need met? (That’s another blog!) 

The point is – now you feel heard.

Feel free to leave comments or questions below.  Want to understand how to go deeper, grab a free 15 min chat!   https://calendly.com/unleashthepriestess/15min

 

 

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9 Tools to Free Your Voice

What does it mean to free your voice?

It means feeling safe and grounded.

Freeing your voice is a deep dive into your childhood wounding to discover where you lost it in the first place.

It is to release the pain of our past ancestors, traumas, suppression and circumstances.

It’s about getting comfortable in your own skin and being honest with yourself.

Freeing your voice is liberating yourself from squelching your emotions and letting the rivers flow.

Freeing your voice is releasing projections, victim nature, martyrdom, blame, shame, guilt, gossip and lower frequencies.

Freeing your voice is a result of reclaiming your power.

It is being in right relationship with your heart and offering compassion to others.

Freeing your voice is to surrender to the Divine and love yourself.

It is having fine-tuned listening skills.

To free your voice is to be vulnerable enough to hear all the feedback and own what you are responsible for.

It is learning to speak your authentic truth.

Freeing your voice is creating healthy boundaries that protect you with a sensibility to uphold them with kindness versus defensiveness.

Freeing your voice is learning to communicate consciously and effectively which is truly is an art.

I’d say, at this moment, I am an artist that’s learning to develop her craft to live a more full heart-centered life.

Here are 9 tools along my path that have aided me in the art of communication and helped me free my voice.

1-  Getting Grounded, Breathing and Relaxing

When you are grounded, breathing and relaxed you heal.  When you heal, you have the space to turn inward and bring mindfulness and heart-centeredness to your communication.  Your tension is released and your voice is more powerful. Try this earthing meditation to get you started.

2 – Core Wound/Inner Child Healing Work

Your core wounds and the inner child within are holding your past.  As you hear her, listen to her, and love her you will regain your power and begin to learn that you are creating your life and everything in it.  That will change where you speak from, how you speak and will liberate you. Learn more about this deep journey work.

3 – Sacred Plant Medicines

The sacred plants speak through the human voice.  The medicinal songs of the plants have great power for healing. I personally have completely cured my vocal chords and received many spiritual surgeries in the mentorship of the plants and reclaimed my voice. I now sing ceremonially and transmit these songs in honor of this great gift. Check out MAPS for more information.

4 – Singing Kirtan/Yoga Chanting

Kirtan is a devotional singing and chanting practice that chants the names of the Divine to raise your vibration to the frequency of pure LOVE. It’s a beautiful practice that is a direct line to Source.  Check out my favorite studio, Bhakti Yoga Shala in Santa Monica.

5 – Creative Writing + Play

Being a beginner in life, in play, and innocence will connect you to the pure creative light within. Discovery and curiosity is where creativity lies. As you heal your sacral chakra and open up these energies it has a direct influence on your voice. After all, have you seen a picture of the Yoni and Vocal Chords? They align with what we create and express. One of my favorite books for accessing the inner creative is The Artist’s Way.

6 – Relationships – Those that trigger you the most!

Relationships are your mirror.  And the ones that trigger you the most will reveal your subconscious patterns, behaviors and past that is remain unhealed. This is a teaching relationship. What is beautiful about these teaching relationships is that they teach you what is important to you, your core values, and how to be a better communicator of healthy boundaries, desires and needs.  Practice the art of conscious communication.

7 – Amazing Coaches

Coaching and mentorship has been profound for me in my own shadow work which is why I now offer this gift to women. To have someone who can point out your deeper work in a safe and loving container catalyzes real change. It is priceless to liberating your voice.  Discover what you can work on now.

8 – Being in Community

When you have the opportunity to meet in sacred, safe space with other like-minded individuals it is so healing!  This is great practice for revealing your personal story and deep inner truths.  Circles provide great insight. It’s helpful to know that you are not alone in what you are going through.  Check out this coaching + healing women’s empowerment group.  And this Women’s Facebook group.

9-  Surrendering to Divine Love

The ultimate goal is surrendering and opening fully to Divine Love. It’s the pure ecstasy that we seek to return to. When we relax, surrender, and let go of our egoic nature that keeps us in suffering there is so much love to receive.


Could you imagine letting go of all the projections and stories and living in your authentic truth, speaking from your heart and revealing your whole being?

Freeing your voice is a lifetime practice of healing, surrender, sharing and loving yourself.

Freeing your voice is the conscious and truthful path of awakening.

Here is are two albums I’d love you to hear – Amrita and God’s Breath of Life – I’ve created these in a time when I was very much freeing my voice!!!

xo,

Nicole

Photos from my workshops at Oregon Eclipse Festival.