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HOW AUTHENTIC ARE YOUR TRUTHS?

by Nicole's Blog

What holds you back from expressing your deepest desires in relationships?
What do you need to give up to create an embodied, thriving relationship?
How authentically do you speak your truths?

I asked a client recently, “What deep desire do you wish to express in your life with your partner?” She said, “I don’t know what I want to express or what I even desire.”
She was blocked in her sacral charka – the home of desire, pleasure, and needs. I rephrased it, “If your human nature is to desire, what fear comes up around speaking your truth?” Then, “If there were no consequences, what would you really want to say to your partner?”

This is where her thoughts went…
What if he judges me?
Will he leave me?
What if he doesn’t accept my feelings or hear my needs?
What if he reacts as he has in the past?
If I tell him the truth, will I make what I say safe for him to experience?
Will he not feel love from me?
Will he be OK?

This is how we started to unpack her authentic truths.

The thing is, many of my clients come to me to heal trauma. They are operating in their shadow behaviors – strategies that the ego adopts to cope with pain.

In these answers you can see that there is not much concern for what she wants, desires or needs.

Women have been suffering from oppression, suppression and abuse for millennia and although this is changing, the viral programs are still being flushed. Women are shut down. Women lack awareness in their bodies. Women have given up trying to get what they desire because they were not allowed to desire.

In her case, these thoughts stem from the Martyr-People Pleaser complex.

The martyr suppresses her needs and desires. She’s considered the “doormat” or the “self-saboteur”, that takes on others’ pain, assumes personal fault, and doesn’t voice her true feelings.

If she doesn’t have a voice, or can’t stand up for herself, she often will place the focus in her relationship on her partner. Thus, becoming the People Pleaser as it’s easier to help, solve and fix them than to understand herself. It’s a way to she can self-validate.

When we learn to open up and be vulnerable in a relationship, we do not know how the other person will react or receive our truths. In relationships, we learn that each person comes with their own set of rules, experiences, openness, past traumas, etc.

It’s important to learn how to express oneself with authenticity regardless of how it may land with your partner. The way it lands for the other is their responsibility. We need to learn to not so deeply project the possible narrative.

If we are to let go of co-dependency – tip toeing around our partners to help save them – then we need to learn that we are safe to express ourselves.

Back to my client.
What do you really want to say….
She blurted, “I’d rather have LOVE from the Divine than from him.”

I said, “THANK YOU for speaking your truth! I know this is truth because its UNIVERSAL WISDOM. All humans seek UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, ultimately for ourselves.”

She’s on a journey of self-love releasing her pain.
She can’t receive LOVE from him until she receives for herself.
That’s why their relationship isn’t in alignment at the moment.

BRAVO…but check this out…..!

The Martyr made her bad and her at fault for this truth.
The Rescuer believes her husband will not like her if she says this.

How can she express this to her partner?
#1 – Do the healing work of self-love first for her
#2 – Learn the nuances of communication with him

For example…

  • Maybe she can explain what this means for her and her needs – more meditation, self-care and self-love practice time?
  • Maybe there is a best time when her partner is more open to receiving this information – not during a stressed moment where it could be taken the wrong way.
  • Maybe she could use a different tone that can soften her approach and start with an intention of connection in her heart.
  • Maybe she practices more discernment with word choices that connects her with her partner and doesn’t make him bad, at fault, or not DIVINE.

In the end, we are all DIVINE, reflecting for each other to come back to loving ourselves more fully.

This precision, compassion and care is what makes up great communication and creates thriving, authentic, embodied relationships.

If you are interested in learning more about self-mastery, authentic relating and embodied relationships, book a 15 min clarity call.

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Why am I still in this relationship? I know it’s not good for me, but I’m still in it. 

by Nicole's Blog

Why am I still in this relationship? I know it’s not good for me, but I’m still in it. 

I heard this recently from a client who said her relationship was highly distracting and she couldn’t focus. She is dating a guy who’s getting a divorce and he’s got a young child. 

To some it might feel obvious why this is complicated, emotional, and distracting, yet for her inner child’s subconscious it’s a familiar pattern that she’s not yet resolved. 

When we are in a pattern like this, we’re in our shadow. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes years to actually notice it. That’s why people hire coaches and therapists – to have a neutral party who can track the pattern and find the root cause of the narrative one’s playing out. 

With my clients, I always bring the shadow behaviors to the root of the mother and father relationship. I have a process whereby we uncover the core wounds, unresolved emotions, beliefs and coping strategies that are present. 

In her household, her dad was present physically, but emotionally unavailable. 

Her mom was distracted and mentally unstable. 

Her inner child felt sadness and disconnection. She felt like she wasn’t enough, not smart enough, or pretty enough. 

Her inner child had a deep desire for a masculine figure to protect her from her mom’s instability, provide structure, and take care of her. 

The inner child didn’t receive any emotional support. 

In believing she wasn’t enough, the world became one ruled by standing out, proving herself, and trying to gain attention. She has a yearning to be ‘the chosen one’. 

In her current relationship, she’s developed what I call ‘the sister wound’. She’s competing with the ex-wife for this man’s attention. She’s jealous and wants to prove that she is the chosen one.  

This man is physically present for her, but often is wrapped up with his family. He’s emotionally erratic just like her mom, or emotionally unavailable just like her dad. This back and forth is a common theme for her in relationships. 

Before our call she wanted to go deeper, but he wasn’t putting in the effort and she wondered why he couldn’t step into the relationship. 

However, during our call she recognized that she was playing out an unresolved pattern from her childhood. 

The first step in healing it is the self-awareness she came to in our call.

The second step is taking ownership of her point of attraction. 

This is her opportunity to go inward and resolve this with her parents and then re-parent herself.  

In my work, we’d use a variety of processes, like role playing with the parents.  Then we’d use healing techniques to move the core narratives, feelings and beliefs through the multidimensional layers (physical, energetic, emotional, mental) of the system using both imagination and the senses.  

What she recognizes now is that no relationship can fill the void that she feels within herself.  

Her focus: Self-Resourcing. Self-Love. Inner Child/Reparenting. Empowerment. 

This releases her co-dependency on others to feel good enough, and is the foundation for a healthier point of attraction for future relationships.  

If you resonate, please feel free to make a comment below, or reach out to see how you might resolve your own patterns by booking a 15 min clarity call with me! 

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I don’t feel heard in my relationship. What can I do? 

by Nicole's Blog

I don’t feel heard in my relationship. What can I do? 

When I ask women about their relationships, I often hear the phrase “I don’t feel heard.”  This could be in her relationship, with her boss, or even with her child.  

As a women’s coach and healer, I teach that every relationship is a mirror to your own inner work. All the feelings you have about it are generated from within you. 

If a woman is not feeling heard in her partnership, I have her go within. If you don’t feel heard in your relationship, I ask, “Are you hearing yourself?” 

Women will experience this narrative, “I’m not heard” typically in their current partnerships because of their unresolved traumas, emotions and experiences from their childhood.  My specialty is helping women become deeply aware of their subconscious programming so they can transform their stories, reclaim their power and show up from a more conscious place now. 

Here are some examples of why you may feel unheard: 

You had parents who were too busy arguing with each other. 

You may have been a sibling sandwiched between other siblings in a large family. 

You may have had a father who was always at work and unavailable. 

You may have had a mother who was a nervous wreck and wrapped up in herself. 

In all of these situations, your inner child was probably not receiving much attention.  As children we all have basic emotional needs for safety, love, attention, and affection. 

If our parents were unable to provide one of these basic needs, we might create a core narrative, also called a core wound. In this, we develop related emotions, beliefs about ourselves and others, and coping mechanisms that help us to manage our pain. 

If you are not feeling heard, chances are you are not expressing your needs and feelings either. You might be ignoring an inner voice that says, “this doesn’t feel good, but I don’t know how to bring it up. “Or, “I’ll just let this slip because it’s not that important”. 

When you read this, you may recognize what are termed martyr behaviors – not speaking up, taking on others’ pain, and not expressing yourself. These behaviors are shadows because they come from a sense of unworthiness or a feeling of not deserving to be heard, seen or loved. 

If left unresolved, you will perpetuate your pain, and this leads to self-sabotage because you will end up getting what you didn’t want – you will not be heard in your relationship! 

This is a great learning opportunity for the following reasons: 

This teaches you how to re-parent yourself. To turn inward and give the inner child what she so lovingly needs – for you to listen. Re-parenting helps you heal the unresolved pains, feelings and emotions that were trapped around this narrative. 

You open to a new perspective creating freedom from the patterns through self-forgiveness. In this way, you recognize that your parents were doing the best they could. 

You release the martyr shadow behavior and become more self-expressed, authentic and transparent with your needs, and desires because you are not moving from pain, but from power. 

You invite great tools into your life like conscious communication. 

Here is a quick process to learn how to self-resource.  

  1. When you feel unheard, take a pause and a few deep breaths. If you have the space for a brief meditation that’s the best – after all, you want to hear yourself.  Place a hand on your belly and heart. This brings a sense of calm to your body. 
  2. Ask yourself, “what causes me to feel unheard?” Note any images or events from the past that remind you of this. Be curious. 
  3. Now, ask your heart to express what she truly desires – more love, more attention, more acceptance? Now you are listening, and your current needs will be born out of these desires. This form of listening helps you build trust and is self-resourcing. 
  4. In this moment, you may realize that you don’t need anything at all AND there still maybe room for growth in your communication and your partnership.   
  5. Maybe you need more reciprocation from your partner, more reflective listening, clearer reciprocity, softer moments, or them to ask more questions about you. Whatever it is, connect with your partner in the heart and ask for a specific request that can meet your need.
  6. Questions that are connective might be: Would you be willing to…? Can you help me understand…? Can you reflect back what you heard so I feel you hear me? 

And remember this. Your partner might be able to meet your need, and doesn’t “need to” either. If your partner cannot meet your needs, what could you do to get that need met? (That’s another blog!) 

The point is – now you feel heard.

Feel free to leave comments or questions below.  Want to understand how to go deeper, grab a free 15 min chat!   https://calendly.com/unleashthepriestess/15min

 

 

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How to Serve from Authentic Love vs. Lack – The Shadow Behavior of the Rescuer

by Nicole's Blog

Mamas do you ever feel a bit overwhelmed, overextended, or frankly just burnt out? Like, OMG, there are so many moving parts and balls in the air with family, kids, and career?😫

I really resonate with that as a mom and entrepreneur. 😉

For a while I was really struggling juggling both.

When I started a new level of deep shadow work something shifted for me.

I learned that I was a classic Rescuer, also known as the people-pleaser, sometimes called the over-achiever.

I didn’t see this shadow aspect in myself back then, but when it was pointed out by a mentor, I saw how it was playing out in my life as a mother and co-parent.

I would give to the detriment of my own health and well-being. I would bend over backwards for other needs instead of my own. I would please others because I didn’t fully value myself and I didn’t want to disappoint by saying no.

There was a real cost in these unconscious behaviors like exhaustion, enabling others to not show up for me, and sickness.

I was so used to saying yes to everything and doing all of it, so I didn’t often ask for support and if someone did it felt burdensome so I would deny it anyway.

Thank God I learned about this ego behavior and how to transform it to create healthy boundaries and to love myself more.

The last few years I dove really deep so I could teach this to the women in my Unleash the Priestess programs because I see how prevalent this way of being is in our society. Women typically place themselves last.

In working with the Rescuer role, I teach women how to get really good at catching their subconscious habits and watching themselves with objective awareness.

When they practice this with compassion, they experience real changes that benefit themselves and their families.

I teach women how to create a daily sadhana that’s non-negotiable so they can receive the love that is their birthright.

I teach women how to create structure, discipline, accountability, self-responsibility and time management so they can create efficiencies and stretch time.

I teach women how to live a full life that’s more balanced and centered in self-love.

If you would like to learn more about this shadow work, join the conversation with other women doing this deep shadow work to illuminate it and reclaim your feminine power.❤️

Join our Facebook Community, The Priestess Within Sisterhood #unleashthepriestess and check out the 4-part series we just completed on Shadow work with my mentor of these teachings, Deanna Larkins.  She’s the owner of Emerge Hot Yoga Studio in Ashland and of Emerge Spiritual Studies.